Your Enemy’s Enemy Is NOT Your Friend: The Akashic Psychology of Conflict, Connection and Healing

Sometimes, the Person Who Agrees With You Is Not the Person Who Helps You Grow

There is a reason the saying your enemy's enemy is your friend has survived for centuries. When someone has hurt you, misunderstood you, betrayed your trust or made your life unnecessarily difficult, meeting another person who shares your frustration can feel like a breath of fresh air. Finally, someone understands. Finally, someone sees what you see. Finally, you don't have to explain yourself to someone who seems determined to misunderstand you.

There is genuine relief in being believed, particularly after an experience that has left you questioning your own perceptions. Having someone acknowledge your experience can help you regain perspective and feel less alone. The difficulty begins when shared opposition becomes the foundation of a relationship rather than one small part of it.

At work, you might discover that a colleague dislikes the same manager you find difficult. Suddenly, lunch breaks become more entertaining, private conversations become more frequent, and the two of you develop an unspoken alliance. In friendships, two people might grow close because they are both disappointed by the same person. In romantic relationships, a shared frustration with an ex-partner, family member or social circle can create a feeling of immediate intimacy.

These connections can be genuine. The question is whether they have enough substance to survive when the common problem disappears.

Just because you dislike the same person does not mean you share the same values, emotional maturity, boundaries or vision for your life. You have established a point of connection. You have not yet established the foundation of a friendship.

And that distinction can change everything.

The Illusion of Closeness: Why Shared Conflict Can Feel So Powerful

Human beings are social creatures. We seek belonging, understanding and reassurance, particularly when we feel threatened or emotionally unsettled. When two people experience frustration with the same person or situation, they can feel an immediate sense of solidarity because their experiences appear to validate one another.

There is a psychological explanation for some of this. Shared adversity can encourage people to disclose more quickly, develop trust and feel connected through mutual understanding. A common adversary can also strengthen a group's sense of identity by creating a clear distinction between 'us' and 'them'.

The problem is that intensity and intimacy are not the same thing.

You can spend hours discussing the person who upset you without knowing much about each other's dreams, values, humour, aspirations or capacity for emotional responsibility. You can feel deeply understood because someone agrees with your interpretation of a situation, without discovering how they behave when they are disappointed, challenged or asked to take accountability.

Conflict gives people plenty to talk about. It creates a constant supply of updates, interpretations, theories and new developments. There is always another message to analyse, another incident to discuss, another piece of evidence that confirms what you already believe.

A relationship built primarily around this material can feel unusually active while remaining emotionally limited.

Ask yourself a simple question: If the person we both dislike disappeared from the story tomorrow, what would still connect us?

Would you share interests, laughter, values, curiosity or a desire to build something together? Would you enjoy each other's company without needing to revisit what went wrong? Could you disagree about something without fearing that the entire relationship would collapse?

These questions are not intended to invalidate a connection. They help you understand what the connection is actually made of.

Your Enemy's Enemy Is Not Necessarily Your Friend at Work

Workplace alliances are a particularly clear example of how shared frustration can be mistaken for compatibility.

Imagine that you and a colleague both find your manager controlling, inconsistent or difficult to communicate with. You begin exchanging observations, comparing experiences and reassuring each other that you are not imagining the problem. In a challenging workplace, this kind of mutual support can be valuable. It can also help you identify patterns that require documentation, boundaries or formal action.

The difficulty arises when the alliance starts taking up more energy than the work itself.

You might find yourself waiting for the next conversation about the manager, checking whether your colleague agrees with your latest interpretation or becoming increasingly invested in every new development. Your colleague's approval can start functioning as evidence that your own perspective is correct.

Eventually, the relationship may depend on maintaining a shared position against someone else.

A colleague can be right about the problem and still be the wrong person to build your future around. Their frustration does not automatically make them trustworthy, generous, collaborative or capable of supporting your growth.

The same applies to business partnerships and professional networks. Two people can unite against a difficult client, competitor or former collaborator without sharing an ethical foundation. Once the conflict resolves, their underlying differences may become apparent.

Notice whether your conversations consistently return to what is wrong, who is responsible and who deserves blame. Then notice whether you also discuss solutions, creative ideas, professional growth and the future you want to create.

You do not have to abandon a supportive colleague or pretend the workplace problem does not exist. You can appreciate the support while developing connections that are based on more than a shared complaint.

The goal is not to become so spiritually evolved that you never discuss a difficult person. The goal is to ensure that the difficult person does not become the central organising principle of your professional life.

Relationships Can Form Around a Common Point of Contention

The same pattern appears in personal relationships, where shared frustration can create a surprisingly strong sense of closeness.

Two friends might bond over a difficult family member. Two people dating after painful relationships might spend hours discussing emotionally unavailable partners. Members of a social group might become close because they have all experienced disappointment with the same individual.

There is nothing inherently unhealthy about these connections. Shared experiences can create empathy, understanding and meaningful support. People often need the company of others who understand what they have lived through, especially when they have felt isolated or dismissed.

The question is what happens after the initial recognition.

Do you become curious about each other as whole people? Do you discover new interests, develop trust through consistent behaviour and create memories that have nothing to do with the original conflict? Can the relationship evolve as you evolve?

Or does the same story keep returning, becoming the primary language through which you understand each other?

A common point of contention can be one facet of a relationship. It does not have to become the foundation of it.

There is a significant difference between being connected by something you have experienced and being connected primarily by the person you are both trying to get away from.

Healthy relationships have room to grow beyond their origin story. You can begin by discussing a painful experience and eventually spend an entire afternoon laughing, planning a trip, exploring a new idea or creating something neither of you could have imagined during that difficult period.

That expansion matters. It allows the relationship to become a living connection rather than a permanent memorial to what happened.

Trauma Bonding and Hardship Bonding Are Not the Same Thing

These terms deserve some care because they are often used interchangeably in online conversations about relationships.

In psychology, trauma bonding commonly refers to a strong attachment that develops within an abusive relationship, particularly where harm is interspersed with affection, reconciliation, intermittent kindness or other experiences that reinforce the attachment. The term does not simply mean two people became close after experiencing trauma together.

Hardship bonding, by contrast, is a useful informal description of the connection people can develop through shared adversity. Friends who support each other through bereavement, survivors who find community in a support group or people navigating a difficult life transition may develop meaningful relationships because they understand what the other person is experiencing.

These relationships can be deeply beneficial. Shared hardship can reduce isolation, create belonging and give people space to speak honestly without having to explain every detail of their experience.

The distinction lies partly in the dynamics of the relationship and partly in what it makes possible. Does the connection support safety, autonomy, mutual respect and an expanding life? Or does it depend on cycles of harm, instability, dependency or repeated emotional activation?

A support group can be an important part of healing. A friendship formed during a painful period can last a lifetime. Neither needs to be discarded simply because suffering brought people together.

The invitation is to recognise that you can honour the experience that connected you while allowing the relationship to develop beyond it.

You deserve connections that can hold your history without requiring you to keep living inside it.

The Divine Mirror: What If the Trigger Was Showing You Something?

This is where the conversation moves into the spiritual perspective I have explored throughout my work with the Akashic Records.

In spiritual practice, the idea of the Divine Mirror invites us to consider what our encounters reveal about our own beliefs, emotional responses, boundaries, expectations and unresolved experiences. A difficult person may expose a pattern we have overlooked, a boundary we have struggled to maintain or an old fear that still influences our decisions.

This does not mean that every person who hurts you has been sent to teach you a lesson. It does not mean that abuse, manipulation or mistreatment should be tolerated because it offers an opportunity for growth. The responsibility for harmful behaviour remains with the person who chooses it.

The mirror is not an excuse for someone else's conduct. It is an invitation to reclaim your own agency within the experience.

Perhaps the person who repeatedly dismissed you brought your relationship with self-trust into focus. Perhaps a controlling manager revealed how difficult it had become to advocate for yourself. Perhaps a friendship built around criticism showed you how much you had come to rely on external validation to feel understood.

The insight is not that you caused what happened. It is that you may have choices available to you now that were difficult to see while you were inside the experience.

And this is where a shared-enemy alliance can become a detour.

Instead of examining what the original conflict revealed, you and another person might spend your energy analysing the person who triggered you. You build a mini army around the problem, gather more evidence, exchange more interpretations and become increasingly certain about what went wrong.

Some of that discussion may be necessary. You may need support, information, professional advice or practical protection. The difficulty begins when the investigation continues long after it has stopped helping you make decisions.

You have gathered the information. You have recognised the pattern. You understand what you will no longer accept.

What happens when it is time to live differently?

When Healing Becomes Another Way of Staying Attached to the Story

We live in a time when psychological language is readily available. You can spend an afternoon learning about narcissistic traits, avoidant attachment, emotional unavailability, manipulation, people-pleasing, childhood wounds and nervous system responses.

This knowledge can be enormously helpful. It can give language to experiences that previously felt confusing, help you recognise harmful dynamics and support more informed decisions about your relationships.

The challenge is that learning about a pattern and changing your relationship with that pattern are two different processes.

You can understand why someone behaves as they do and still find yourself emotionally preoccupied with them. You can recognise an unhealthy dynamic and continue replaying conversations in your mind. You can correctly identify a pattern without yet knowing how to build a life in which that pattern occupies less space.

At some point, the question needs to change.

Instead of asking, 'Why did they do that?' for the hundredth time, you might ask, 'What do I need to do differently now?' Instead of watching another video about emotionally unavailable partners, you might begin exploring what emotionally available relationships look like in practice. Instead of collecting more evidence about why the past was painful, you might start making decisions that support the future you want.

Insight becomes transformative when it begins to influence how you live.

There is no universal deadline for healing, and repeatedly discussing an experience does not automatically mean you are stuck. Some experiences require sustained support, and trauma recovery can be complex. The important distinction is whether your reflection is helping you process what happened and make new choices, or whether it is keeping you in an exhausting cycle of analysis without movement.

Your life is waiting for your participation.

There are friendships to cultivate, places to explore, creative projects to begin, professional opportunities to pursue and relationships to experience that have nothing to do with the person who hurt you.

You are allowed to become interested in your future again.

An Akashic Perspective: When a Lesson Has Been Learned, What Comes Next?

In my journey as an Akashic Records channel, I have repeatedly encountered a pattern in which people feel drawn to revisit the same relational themes, emotional dynamics and questions about their soul's journey.

Within the spiritual framework of the Akashic Records, experiences can be explored through the lens of recurring patterns, soul lessons, ancestral influences and what some traditions understand as connections across lifetimes. I approach this work as a way of exploring meaning, gaining perspective and supporting a person's movement towards greater self-awareness and choice.

One of the most interesting questions is what happens when someone has already understood a great deal about a difficult experience, yet continues to organise their identity around it.

They may have recognised the pattern. They may have developed compassion for their younger self. They may understand the boundaries they needed, the beliefs they carried and the ways they want to respond differently in the future.

Yet the story remains central.

In this spiritual perspective, the next step may not be to discover another explanation for what happened. It may be to consciously disengage from the pattern as the organising principle of your life.

This is an important distinction. You can learn from an experience without continuing to make it your primary reference point.

Understanding a pattern does not require you to keep revisiting it indefinitely. You can retain the wisdom, honour what you survived and allow your attention to move towards the relationships, work, experiences and possibilities you want to cultivate.

In Akashic work, I am interested in what a person is ready to understand, what they are ready to release and what they are now ready to embody. The emphasis is not solely on looking backwards. It is also on helping someone consider how their present choices can support a different future.

Whatever your beliefs about the nature of the soul, this question is worth sitting with: if the experience has already taught you something important, what would it look like to begin living from that knowledge?

Akashic Clearing: Releasing the Old Pattern and Making Room for What Comes Next

Akashic Clearing is one of the practices I offer for people who feel ready to explore recurring patterns and the emotional or spiritual weight they associate with them.

In my practice, this work can involve exploring the meanings attached to difficult experiences, recurring relational themes, inherited beliefs and the stories that continue to shape how someone sees themselves. Depending on the session, the process may include spiritual inquiry, energetic clearing practices and reflection on the choices that can support integration.

People may experience this work as a meaningful way to approach material that feels difficult to shift through reflection alone. The experience and outcomes are individual, and spiritual interpretations of energetic patterns or past-life connections should be understood within the framework of the practice rather than as independently established facts.

One principle matters greatly to me: a clearing experience needs room for integration in everyday life.

Imagine that you have spent years expecting relationships to become unsafe, or that you have become accustomed to monitoring other people's moods because conflict once felt unavoidable. Even when you begin to understand these patterns differently, it can take time and practice to develop new responses.

You may need to learn what consistency feels like in a friendship. You may need to practise setting a boundary without writing an entire courtroom defence in your head first. You may need to become comfortable with peaceful periods that do not require you to investigate a hidden problem.

These changes are part of building a different relationship with your life.

Akashic Clearing can be one element of that process, particularly when the spiritual framework resonates with you. It is not a substitute for appropriate psychological, medical or other professional support when that support is needed, and no clearing practice can guarantee that a difficult person will change or that a particular outcome will occur.

The aim is to support your own clarity, agency and integration, so that the work you do can inform the way you live.

What to Do After You Have Understood the Pattern

The next chapter begins with a deceptively simple question: what do you want your life to contain that it does not contain enough of right now?

You might want relationships filled with laughter, shared interests and meaningful conversations. You might want a workplace where your energy goes towards professional growth and work that matters to you. You might want a romantic relationship built on emotional availability, kindness and consistency.

Give those desires some practical attention.

Notice which conversations leave you feeling clearer and which pull you back into old conflicts. Consider whether your friendships have enough mutual care, shared interests and curiosity to grow beyond the experiences that brought you together. When you need to discuss a difficult situation, ask yourself what you hope to understand or resolve rather than allowing the conversation to become another endless replay.

Introduce new experiences into your life. Join a class, reconnect with a creative interest, explore somewhere new or spend time with people who share your aspirations. These choices give the present more room to become meaningful in its own right.

Stepping away from conflict does not mean abandoning accountability. You can maintain firm boundaries, document workplace misconduct and seek appropriate support without allowing the situation to become the centre of your identity.

You can take the lesson seriously without giving the story unlimited access to your future.

From Understanding Your Past to Creating Your Future

Recognising a pattern is an important step. The next is deciding what you want to create with what you have learned.

Many people reach a point where they understand their past experiences, recognise the dynamics they no longer wish to repeat and feel ready for something different. The challenge is translating that awareness into meaningful work, fulfilling relationships, purposeful decisions and a life that genuinely reflects who they are.

This is why I created Live Your Calling, my eight-week private transformational program for people who are ready to move beyond insight and consciously shape their future. The program combines structured weekly course content, practical learning and integration resources, and personalised one-to-one Cosmic Akashic Journeys each week. Together, these elements help you explore your soul purpose, understand the patterns influencing your present experience and translate your insights into meaningful changes in your everyday life.

Through this guided journey, you develop a clearer understanding of your calling while working towards embodying it through your decisions, relationships, boundaries, work and the way you use your gifts. You receive both the structure to guide your progress and personalised Akashic support to explore what is emerging along the way.

You can continue healing while building meaningful relationships, developing your potential and moving towards a future that excites you.

If you feel ready to turn self-understanding into purposeful action, Live Your Calling offers a structured, personalised journey to help you move from discovering your calling to living it.

Ultimately, the most meaningful evidence of how far you have come is not how much you can explain about your past. It is the life you are now choosing to create.

Choose Relationships That Can Grow With You

There is a particular kind of freedom in discovering that you can connect with someone without needing a common enemy.

You can build friendships around humour, creativity, shared interests and mutual respect. You can find colleagues who challenge you constructively and celebrate your achievements. You can form relationships in which difficult experiences are welcome topics of conversation without becoming the only topics available.

You can also allow relationships to change. Someone who supported you during a painful period may remain an important part of your life, even as your conversations and priorities evolve. A connection does not need to be discarded simply because it began in hardship.

The invitation is to make room for more of who you are becoming.

Notice whether the people around you encourage your growth, respect your boundaries and make space for your happiness. Notice whether you feel free to discuss new ideas, express different opinions and pursue goals that have nothing to do with your shared history.

Most importantly, notice whether you are choosing these relationships because you genuinely enjoy and respect one another, or because being on the same side of a conflict makes you feel less alone.

Both experiences can coexist. You deserve to know which one is holding the relationship together.

You Do Not Have to Keep Fighting to Prove That You Have Healed

Perhaps the most powerful shift is realising that moving forward does not require you to win the original battle.

You do not need the person who hurt you to admit everything before you can make meaningful choices for your future. You do not need everyone to agree with your interpretation of events before you can establish boundaries. You do not need to persuade an entire group of people to take your side before you can build a life that feels right for you.

There are circumstances in which accountability, formal action and continued protection remain necessary. There are also moments when you have done what you can, learned what you needed to learn and reached the point where further engagement no longer serves you.

The wisdom lies in discerning the difference.

In spiritual terms, I think of this as reclaiming your sovereignty: choosing where your attention goes, which relationships receive your energy and what you want to create with the life available to you now. It is not about pretending the past did not happen. It is about allowing the past to become one part of your story rather than the force that determines every subsequent chapter.

Your enemy's enemy may offer temporary comfort. A genuine friend offers something more enduring: a relationship that can stand on its own, even when there is no conflict to unite you.

And when you are ready to move beyond the battle, you can begin asking a much more interesting question.

What would you build if you no longer needed the old conflict to explain who you are?

Explore Your Next Step With Cosmic Soul Whisperer

If you recognise yourself in these patterns and feel ready to explore what comes next, there are several ways we can work together, depending on what you need at this stage.

A Cosmic Akashic Session offers space to explore recurring patterns, seek spiritual clarity and investigate the questions that matter most to you. An Akashic Clearing offers a more focused process for exploring and working with patterns you feel ready to release, with attention to how that work can be integrated into everyday life. If you are ready to turn insight into sustained change, Live Your Calling, my signature eight-week private program, supports you in developing a clearer relationship with your purpose and translating that understanding into practical choices.

You can also explore my group meditations, workshops and retreats as opportunities to deepen your spiritual practice and connect with others.

You do not need to have every answer before you begin. You simply need an honest sense of where you are and what kind of support would be useful now.

Explore the offerings at Cosmic Soul Whisperer and choose the next step that meets you where you are.

The past may explain how you arrived here. You get to participate in deciding where you go next.